I Like to Move It

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At long last, Elad and I finally moved into our new place. It was supposed to happen in January (if you remember this post), but kept getting postponed for reasons beyond our control (if you remember the last paragraph of this post).

We spent all of Friday and Saturday settling in. So now, instead of having a single bedroom, a tiny living room, a tiny dining room, a minuscule and claustrophobic computer room, a small bathroom with a stand-up shower and a laundry corner, we now have one big bedroom, one guestroom which doubles as a work room for me and my zines, a rather large computer room (which fits all of mine and Elad’s guitars, all our amps, a double-tower of CDs, the computer and all its equipment, including a sound system and an effects box), an enormous living room with a nearby dining room, the cutest most adorable kitchen you’ll ever see, and a nice little laundry space. Plus our bathroom, though still pretty small, has an actual bathtub! Showering is so much more fun and I no longer hit my elbows and knees on walls and shower doors when I shower. All that, with the added bonus of a boidem. We have a STORAGE SPACE dudes! So necessary for hoarders like ourselves.

All we need now is a bigass closet (which we already ordered and are supposed to have it delivered on Wednesday), a decent desk for my work room and matching chair, and a bigass bookshelf for all of my Stephen King books (all 50+ of them!) and all my feminist literature and other random fiction. Then we can put the finishing touches (i.e. our posters, art and photos) and we’ll be as snug as a bug.

My favorite things about our new place:

  1. We have had a record player forever but never used it because we didn’t exactly have much space for it and also didn’t really know how to plug it. But in our new place, we put the record player in our ginormous living room and Elad, being the tech wiz that he is, plugged it into his elaborate sound system, and we listened to old records during all of Friday while organizing the house.
  2. Our kitchen has just doubled in size. We got much more work space available, a bunch of spacious cupboards, and a window. WE HAVE A FUCKING WINDOW IN OUR KITCHEN! We NEVER had that in our other one! I love the hell out of it.
  3. Our bathtub is the shiznit. Bathtubs kick ass and after moving all the stuff and sweating my ass off and getting dust all over me, I took the best shower ever.
  4. My work room features the Riot Grrrl bookshelf I found a while back and I spent all of yesterday and this morning setting it up with all of my zines, all of other people’s traded zines, all of my High School agendas, notebooks and diaries, and all of my folders with bills and statements and other boring stuff.
  5. Our windows are much bigger, or at least seem so because the house is so well-lit, so much better lit than our previous place. We also have light switches and lamps all over the place so even at night, we bathe in bright lights.

The actual move may have been a hassle (and wasn’t without its mishaps, to put it mildly) but the best thing about it was finding things that we thought were lost forever and actually managing to put our hoarding aside for a while to get rid of shit that we really don’t need. Like, I own not one but two broken laptops. I kept them for years for God knows what reason. On Friday I told Elad “Fuck it. Just toss them.” It feels so good to get rid of shit!! Oh my God!

Our dog, Diamond, is a little disoriented. On the day of the move, she kept trying to go out the door and go to the old apartment (which happens to be right across the hall from us).

“This is home now, Diamond,” I tried to explain. “Here is your bed and your food bowl.”

And yes, this is our home now. We’ll have a housewarming party, invite friends, install mezuzot, blast our record player, and look forward to much happiness in our beautiful new crib.

Peace, love and home supersweet home.

Packing List for 2016

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Right now, my life is all over the place. I have about a dozen reminders set on my cellphone every day so that I don’t forget shit. So I am making this list of resolutions mostly to set a certain order in my life and set clear goals so that maybe, with a little hope and perseverance, I may actually get it done.

1) Complete PMS issue number 13 on my trip to Salem: Lord knows it’s long overdue since my trip was in early October. I have all the written material and all the backgrounds. I just need to sit my ass down and put it together.

2) Go over all my belongings and throw stuff out: I need to do this to get ready for our move to the new apartment in mid-January. But we own so much useless stuff, it’ll take forever to go through it, so we might as well start now.

3) Start eating complete healthy breakfasts: I need to get into that habit because just having tea and cake in the morning does not fit in with the healthy lifestyle I am trying to achieve. Omelette, cheeses, fresh veggies, apple juice (because orange juice gives me heartburn). That’ll be my breakfast of champions!

4) Get a little more in touch with my spiritual side: I am considering reading a short psalm of Tehilim every once in a while. Not really chozeret bitshuva or anything, but just invest a little more in my connection with the Higher Power as She is playing a very important part in my life right now.

5) Cook and bake more: My mom says I am underestimating my potential as a Moroccan culinary genius. Coming from a long and illustrious line of such geniuses (including both my grandmothers, my mom and my aunts) I may have very well inherited that particular gene. I won’t know unless I try it out more often.

12045762_10152983389257471_3634203185435079558_o6) Practice more guitar: Yes I’ve had that resolution a while back and never really followed through with it. But now that I have a new Fender Strat to inspire me, I may actually be able to do it!

7) Complete the photo album of my husband and me: I already got all the photos in order which was a huge feat in itself. Now I need to find a way to put them all together in a pretty photo album (or several ones) and print it.

8) Avoid unhealthy environments: The bar that my husband and I go to every Sunday is filled with smoke. I decided to take an indefinite hiatus from metal night in order to avoid inhaling my way to carbonated lungs. A sad but necessary step.

9) Go to sleep earlier: And wake up earlier as a result. I find that I can achieve much more when my day starts in the a.m. For example, having time to cook my complete breakfast!

10) Power walking with my dog in the morning: Yet another thing I can achieve if I go to sleep earlier and wake up bright and early. I’m a slave to my pillow, seriously. But I should really start my day with an early rise, a healthy breakfast and a power walk, and save my pillow labor for the weekends.

Peace, love and baby steps.

Interior Design in DIY

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Me next to the riot grrrl display library that I once found in a garbage room.

Me next to the riot grrrl display library that I once found in a garbage room.

A while back, I wrote a journal entry about how lovely it would be if I had my own work room. I’ve been putting off zine-production mainly because sitting at a proper table with my typewriter is not really doing it for me. I said I want a private room with a pull-out sofa as a work station. All my zine material and zine collection will be kept there along with posters and DIY decorations to inspire me.

No more than a couple of weeks after writing that entry, I got the news that our neighbor from across the hall is moving out and that we can have his apartment! Great news already since we’ve grown tired of the smell of mold in our apartment and also the incredible lack of space in the 40-meters we call a home.

Our neighbor’s apartment is at least twice as big as our current place. The living room is probably three times as big as ours. This is a huge plus seeing as our tiny living room is so packed full of shit, it appears to be on the verge of explosion. We have two sofas, two coffee tables, three guitars, three amps, a dog, a laptop, a huge TV and sound system all crammed into that tiny hole. Can you imagine how much more amazing our living room will be with all that extra space? Especially when I hit it up with some technicolor curtains?

Aside from that, the bathroom has a bathtub as opposed to the stand-up shower we currently have. I don’t even remember the last time I took a bath. Man, that will so rule!

And instead of having just one bedroom, we will have three! A huge master bedroom where we can finally have two separate closets and no more losing hoodies for me (how the fuck do I manage to lose hoodies?!). A computer room for my lovely computer geek husband. And a third bedroom which will be perfect for any progeny we might have but which will now serve as a work room for me until said progeny will come to be.

This past weekend, I was lost in fantasies on how to decorate my work room. A pull-out sofa for sure, preferably a padded burgundy one, upholstered with faux fur or velvety fabric, a rug (so much better than these damn ceramic floors) purple curtains, posters of Amon Amarth, Arch Enemy and some riot grrrl bands, my zine collection and my journals organized in alphabetical order on my riot grrrl display library (pictured above), a zine wall of fame featuring my favorite zines, a small cupboard for all my zine and art material, a stereo system with all my CD’s and cassettes, maybe also one of my guitars with a small amp, scented candles, oils and incense for inspiration, and of course, my typewriter. Also I want to make a small sign on my door that says something like “Zinestering in process. Come on in!” Which is so much better than “do not disturb”. Hell, I WANT people to join me.

THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUCKING COOL!!

We’re moving only in January and time has never gone by so slowly as it is right now.

Peace, love and 24-hour zine things will be so much better from now on!

The Beautiful People in My Beautiful Life

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You know, I’ve heard of people talking about someone in their life who makes them into a better person or made their life better.

“I feel like a better person, and I enjoy my life a lot more when I’m around Mr. XYZ,” they would say. But I never actually thought that made any sense. You’re either a good person or you’re not. You’re the master of your own fate.

But then I met someone who improved my life so drastically that it did in fact make me a better person. I married him.

I know that sounds corny but it’s true. I just thought about my life before I met Elad and after I met him and noticed so many things that changed for the better.

The first thing I changed thanks to the man is my job. I had the most awful job on the planet. When I met Elad, he realized that not only does this job take up all of my time (that was a 50 hours a week job), and that I have no social life as a result, but that it also sabotages my psycho-emotional state because the boss was a verbally and emotionally abusive motherfucker, and I would come back home crying on a regular basis. Elad told me to quit on several occasions but I was afraid that I would not find another job and get into debt as I did when I quit that job once before and was forced to come back because I was flat broke.

“So go look for another job, and quit once you find one,” said Elad. “You don’t owe this guy anything, not even a two weeks notice.” Arch Enemy inspired me, but Elad gave me the final push, and I did indeed find a better job and I quit that godawful place with a self-satisfied grin on my face. No two weeks notice. Nothing. And now, I have the best job ever (20 hours a week), nice staff, awesome boss, who I actually invited to my wedding and signed as a witness.

Also, thanks to Elad, I get to travel more – Since we met, we’ve been to Belgium, Holland, France, Italy and Germany, and we also took a road trip to Eilat. This summer, we’re going to Los Angeles, Philadelphia and Montreal.

I go out a lot more – to bars, mostly on Metal Night, restaurants, parks, concerts, the beach…

I have more friends, most of whom I met through Elad and our shared love of metal.

I HAVE A DOG! Did you get that?! Thanks to my husband, I have a life and can finally afford to have a dog.

I have a rich and vibrant social life. My psycho-emotional state has never been better, not to mention my sex life. I’ll spare you the details, but I’ve experienced things with Elad that I have never experienced with any other partner or even myself.

I take better care of myself, I cook more, I eat better, I exercise more, and meditate more often. I have become a better person.

I also have a chance to be more creative. Because my job is so convenient, and because it’s part-time, I have more time for my arts, crafts and zine production. Now I may sometimes get lazy on that aspect. I mean, since I started my PMS zine in 2010, I only released 10 issues. That’s two issues a year, which is nothing.

And that brings me to the next person who made my life better – my Salem friend. Because ever since I met her, which was barely six months ago, I already released two issues of PMS, one of which was a split zine with her, and we have plans for two more split zines way before this year is over, plus extra art projects that I made (postcard designs, button designs, a contribution for her zine, ongoing letters and packages we exchange back and forth), as well as the International Zine Month I am planning on doing this July including another 24-Hour Zine. So this year, I will have released at least five issues of PMS, three of which will be split zines with my friend.

Thanks to her, I feel more inspired and my creativity took on whole new proportions that I never even thought possible. Laziness is no longer on the bill. Seriously, I wish all my friends were as enthusiastic about zines as she is. Maybe if they were, we could finally have an Israeli zine fest that I am so longing for.

So corny or not, I’d like to extend a sincere thank you to my husband and my Salem friend for intertwining in my web of karma, thus improving my life as a feminist and as a person, and I’d also like to thank the Forces that Be for making our roads intersect.

You guys rule!

Peace, love and on a completely unrelated note, come on Summer! Get a move on and get here already!

The New Me

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As you noticed, my blog layout is completely different.

For the last few weeks, I’ve felt like a change was needed. And not just a change of blog theme, but a change of perspective on life and a change of how I define myself.

I’ve noticed that the grrrlVIRUS movement has much less importance in my life as the movement itself died. Nobody I know talks about it anymore, there are no new posts on any of the related pages or social networks – it’s simply vanished.

The grrrlVIRUS event that was supposed to take place in Berlin a few years ago never happened, and I was so utterly disappointed by it. I think my lack of interest in the movement started then. That’s besides the point that I was the only active member of the Israeli grrrlVIRUS branch. Forget active, I was the only member. Any demonstration I went to – Slutwalk, Pride, whatever… I was the only one holding a grrrlVIRUS banner, I was the only one giving out flyer and trying to spread the virus. 

I don’t think I burned out. I think the virus simply died. There is no more interest in it and I’m no longer involved.

So I no longer define myself as a grrrlIVIRUS-infected chick. I am still a riot grrrl though. I think my tattoo has never been more accurate as it is now – “a true riot grrrl never dies”. I still listen to the music, I still make zines and I still revel in DIY magic. The main difference between riot grrrl and grrrlVIRUS for me is that the latter was a passing fad, whereas the former was one that shaped me for already 14 years. It’s not something that will simply disappear, or die just as easily. I’m still a feminist, and riot grrrl is the movement that defines feminism for me.

Back of VestMy patches vest has a large print of the grrrlVIRUS logo on the back, and I’ve been considering covering it with another large patch. I’m not sure which one yet. I’ve been considering either Mercyful Fate, Amon Amarth or a classic one of Arch Enemy, like from Wages of Sin or something. I also need to remove the grrrlVIRUS patch from the bottom right of the vest and replace it with something else. 

For my blog, I changed the description of “The Badass” on the top right. No mention of grrrlVIRUS is made, and I’ve added some things that I identify with more and that define me in my current state, based on my current interests.

I’ve also been considering changing the picture and the text in the page “About the Badass.” It will be a little more detailed and a little less pretentious.

As a little yet important change – I no longer wear the typewriter necklace I’ve been wearing for the past five years. I still love typewriters and still use my own when I produce zines or write letters, but the necklace is now faded and worn out. I am now wearing a Thor’s Hammer pendent that I recently bought online. It’s a similar one that Johan Hegg (Amon Amarth) wears onstage.

Aside from that, I feel the need to detatch myself from people who are too left wing. I simply can’t stand just how hateful some of these people can get. I’ve been right wing since I moved to Israel, and I’ve been Zionist for as long as I can remember. The reason I added these people in the first place was because we had other things in common – feminism, metal, punk, zines, pro-GLBT sentiments, etc. But when it comes to nationalism, they couldn’t piss me off more. During the latest conflict with Gaza, a shitload of infuriatingly ignorant, naive, and shockingly anti-Semitic posts flooded my Facebook and my WordPress feed. I have some friends who are left wing but still level headed. These will remain my friends. But as for the ones who can’t stand to say the word “Zionist” without adding “equals Nazi”, they can fuck off.  I already unfriended one of these people on Facebook. I need to weed out the rest.

I needed this redefinition to reclaim my balance, put my identity in focus, and admit to myself that this is who I am. No matter who I’ve been and what I said and what I wrote in the past, my present is the only thing that matters.

Peace, love and change is good.

No Regrets

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The website Nego Sentro posted a list of 37 things I’ll regret when I’m old. I’m not old yet, but as a person who doesn’t believe in regrets, I still wanted to know just how right or wrong these people are.

As it turns out, I am still a person who doesn’t believe in regret and these people are full of shit.

1. Not traveling when you had the chance.

I am travelling at least once a year. In the past three years I’ve been to Belgium, Holland, France and Italy. In the past, I’ve been to Poland, Switzerland and several places in the States and Canada, and will soon go to Germany. Further potential destinations include Scandinavia and China.

2. Not learning another language.

I already know three languages, Hebrew, French and English, and am currently in the process of learning German.

3. Staying in a bad relationship.

I can’t say I’ve ever been in a bad relationship. And right now, I’m in a great one. So yeah.

4. Forgoing sunscreen.

Never happened.

5. Missing the chance to see your favorite musicians.

There are many bands/artists who performed when they were not yet my favorite. Once they became my favorite, they either died or stopped performing. Many, i.e. not all. I have seen Arch Enemy a few times, King Diamond once and will see him again, Ozzy once, and I go to European metal fests whenever good bands are on the bill. Next up is Wacken where I am looking forward to Amon Amarth and Carcass among others.

6. Being scared to do things.

Things? What like skydiving and bungee jumping? It’s not only because I’m scared but also because I have no interest in extreme sports. Watch horror movies and riding rollercoasters? Been there. Tattoos and body piercings? Done that. Be a little more specific and I’ll decide if I’ll regret it or not.

7. Failing to make physical fitness a priority.

Integral Tai Chi is my weekly thing. And it’s good shit. And even when you’re old, you can do yoga or martial arts or whatever you want. Age is not an issue when it comes to fitness. You ever seen those wrinkly old men who go jogging in the mornings?

8. Letting yourself be defined by gender roles.

You’re talking to a feminist. Try again.

9. Not quitting a terrible job.

I did that three times in my life, and am now pretty damn happy with my job.

10. Not trying harder in school.

I never had to try too hard to get good grades. I was smart.

 

11. Not realizing how beautiful you were.

That’s actually true. In my teens, I kept complaining about bad hair days and unmanageable messy curly hair. Today, I miss that head of hair and keep wishing I would get back my curls. However, today I appreciate my looks more than before. I especially love my belly and my chest. I got a good body, and I take care of it.

12. Being afraid to say “I love you.”

I did and still do say it. I was not afraid of it.

13. Not listening to your parents’ advice.

I’m mostly a good girl. If I don’t take my parents’ advice on one thing or another it’s because I know what’s good for me and what isn’t. I took my mom’s advice to eat red meat and spent the rest of the day on the toilet as a result. I know what my body needs. No more red meat for this girl.

14. Spending your youth self-absorbed.

I don’t think that is something to regret. I think it was a necessity. In my teens, I knew I was cold and selfish. I admitted it to myself and my family, and I was happy about it. Today, I don’t regret it because I see it as a necessary part of my psychological development. I saw it as a means of self-preservation, and it was super important to me at that stage in my life.

15. Caring too much about what other people think.

Actually, I never cared about it when I was younger. The older I get, the more I start to care, for other people, not for myself. But yeah. Most of the time, I don’t give a shit.

16. Supporting others’ dreams over your own.

What? Oh, maybe it’s for people who have kids and don’t support them when they pursue their dreams and shit. I’m not there yet.

17. Not moving on fast enough.

Physically? These people really need to get their shit together and start making more sense or being more specific… I think that these days, things are moving way too fucking fast. I like to stop and take my time and live in the moment. It reduces my level of stress and improves the quality of my life. I just don’t see how I’ll regret that.

18. Holding grudges, especially with those you love.

I rarely hold grudges. And with those I love, they tend to fade away pretty quickly.

19. Not standing up for yourself.

Sometimes, standing up for myself involves getting into a fight. So if not standing up for myself means avoiding a fight, I go for the cleaner of the two. And I never regret thwarting a fight.

20. Not volunteering enough.

I volunteer in my own way. I contribute my time and efforts to the Jerusalem Rape Crisis Center in several ways. I volunteer as a freelance reporter sometimes. I volunteered at the JSPCA once. I think I’ve done enough.

21. Neglecting your teeth.

I removed my labret to keep my teeth healthy. That was a major sacrifice, dude. And yes, I do brush, I do floss, and I go for yearly cleaning. My teeth will fall out eventually. No matter how much I take care of them, they will end up in a cup of water by the end of the day. This is part of being old.

22. Missing the chance to ask your grandparents questions before they die.

Done that. And what the people who compiled this list are forgetting is that grandparents will probably talk your ears off about their life and about “the good old days” without you asking them anything.

23. Working too much.

Ha! Not. I got lots of hobbies and I have a rich social life. I work when I’m at work and I’m very good at the skill of taking a break, taking a nap, take the time to cook and eat and meditate. No regrets there.

24. Not learning how to cook one awesome meal.

I know how to cook several awesome meals. So y’all can eat it. No regrets yet again.

25. Not stopping enough to appreciate the moment.

See number 17. Consistency, people!

26. Failing to finish what you start.

I can’t think of a single thing that I started and didn’t finish… I started learning German in university and didn’t take any further lessons until just recently. But I am committed to it now and I will finish it. Duolingo helps a lot.

27. Never mastering one awesome party trick.

I’m not much of a party person. So party tricks are not my thing. I rather go to a live show and headbang till my neck gets sore.

28. Letting yourself be defined by cultural expectations.

I don’t. Although in my culture, people love to tell me how to run my life, how to talk, how to dress, what to eat, when to marry, how many kids to have – none of that has any effect on me. I don’t know how these people never get tired of bugging the hell out of me with no results to show for it.

29. Refusing to let friendships run their course.

Done that more times than I can count.

30. Not playing with your kids enough.

Not there yet.

31. Never taking a big risk (especially in love).

A big risk? Depends what you consider to be a big risk. If dating someone I met online is a big risk, then I took it. Twice. If having unprotected sex is a big risk, I also took it. Three times.

32. Not taking the time to develop contacts and network.

“Networking may seem like a bunch of crap when you’re young.” It still seems like a bunch of crap. And I’m doing pretty good for myself. So there.

33. Worrying too much.

Nope. I take it easy.

34. Getting caught up in needless drama.

See previous question.

35. Not spending enough time with loved ones.

I live with two loved ones – my boyfriend and my dog. And I visit other loved ones (parents and family) every other weekend. That’s pretty good considering other people who see their loved ones once a month or only on holidays or never.

36. Never performing in front of others.

I did that a couple of times! Haha!

37. Not being grateful sooner.

I think that every time I overcome another hurdle, I become more and more grateful. Quitting my awful job, going through therapy, finding a great boyfriend and lover, getting a dog, living in Jerusalem, travelling, being happy… I’m grateful for all that. After I was diagnosed with Myotonic Dystrophy, and later after I broke my elbow I started appreciating my body more. Being grateful that I can still walk, talk, move without much effort, function perfectly fine in my daily life, and do so much more than other people in my condition could only wish to do. Also, during my weekly Tai Chi exercises, the final part is meditation and it involves the “stage of appreciation,” where you need to think of two good things that happened in the last 24 hours, no matter how small. The instructor says “a grateful heart is a happy heart.” And I’m pretty damn happy.

Regrets are a waste of time. Appreciate the past, live in the moment and believe in the future.

Peace, love and a bunch of other zen shit.

Old Notes

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Before there was WordPress in my life, there was Facebook Notes.

Most of my FB notes are surveys I used to fill out when I was bored at work. That was back when I worked for Monster Embezzler Boss Extraordinaire.

I decided to compile some of the best answers I had (something I had already done in one of my previous issues of Purple Myrtle Squeegy) and stick them here.

Birthday: 15 Tishrei, Ha’Tashmag

Present Address: about a km away from the Holy of Holies

Male or female?  Proud bleeder.

Spell your name without vowels:
הדס בן-ארי

Career?
Torture the patriarchy into eternal oblivion with the help of my typewriter and my pen.

Do you believe in Heaven?
Yes, but I don’t believe in Hell. Jews have it good 🙂

Do you believe in Santa Claus?
I’m not Christian and I’m not four.

Do you believe in miracles?
In Jerusalem, it’s kinda hard not to believe in that.

34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
No. But all the accessories I wear are priceless.

35. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
Do you have Alzheimer’s?

Myspace or facebook?
MySpace, though I spend more time on Assfacebook.

Complete the following: If I were the opposite sex…
I’d be a half the person I am now.

Favorite Song?
Rephrase that question with the plural, and I’ll consider answering it.

I’ve come to realize that parties…
are not parties if they don’t involve something illegal.

Have you ever been IN a wedding?
IN? Like, did I ever get married? No. But I have been to other people’s heterosexual suicide pacts. Sure.

82. What’s the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
Put it on vibrate, stuck it up my ass and called it from my home phone.
[…]
86. When was the last time you lied?
When I answered question number 82.

If you were a doll, what 4 accessories would be packaged with you?
1. A pink gun
2. A typewriter
3. A chocolate bar
4. A tattoo gun or a piercing needle

If you had to make an ad or commercial for yourself, what would it be?
Like, as in selling myself? “This is Badass. She hates capitalism and is ironically appearing in an ad to sell herself. Get your own Badass today. BADASS: Experience the ambivalence! Bloody cloth pads sold separately.”

What rumor wouldn’t you mind having spread about you?
That I like chocolate more than men, and that MJ is the only exception to that rule.

Someone knocks on your window at 2 AM, who do you want it to be?
The grim reaper.

Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Half full with puke

What was your favorite vacation?
Slumberville in Dreamland. So amazing!

Do you chew pens and pencils?
No. For me, it would be like chewing my typewriter. Don’t bite the hand that feeds, and writing material feeds me like no other food can.

What books are you reading?
UNDER THE MOTHERFUCKING DOME. Stephen King is cooler than you.

If you were the “poster child” for something (negative or positive) it could be:
Lestat Returns – and He Had a Sex Change

Favorite Sound
*face-melting growls from the ninth circle of hell*

Are you talkative?
I like being quiet and pensive… or rather quiet and mysterious…. or quiet and boring. Depends how the interlocutor sees me.

What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Depends if the swallow is on E or not.

Do you wash your hair in the shower?
No, I wash my hair in the toilet.

Have you had a sore throat? 
No, never. I’ve also never sneezed, coughed, blew my nose, burped or farted. Christ!

Would you go sky diving?
If I had the external ovaries, hell yeah!

How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? 
All doctors piss me off.

Two words that explain why you last threw up?
Wrong drug.

Is tomorrow someone’s birthday?
I bet it is, but I don’t know who it is.

When was the last time you flew in a plane?
You mean as opposed to the last time I flew on the wings of a dragon? In April to Canada.
[Alternate response:]
Last time I flew on a plane was May 2008. Last time I flew on a broomstick was last night.

Who were you with last night?
Zdi u’schabo.

If not yourself, who would you be? 
God

Make up a story/fairy tale/article.
WEST BANK, Feb. 31, 2006 – Police are investigating a rather odd incident that took place earlier today in a forest near Ramallah. A Palestinian girl wearing a red Hijab was devoured by a wolf on her way to her grandmother’s house. In a striking resemblance to the fairy tale “Little Red Riding Hood,” the girl was carrying a basket with food her mother packed for her.
“Allah sent the wolf to kill the girl because she was not accompanied by a male as prescribed by the Koran,” said the Ramallah spiritual leader Sheik Aziz Al-Habibi Al-Islami. “Muslim women have to abide by every law of the Koran, so that Muslim men may fulfill their duty to oppress and dominate their women.”
Some local residents adopted a more twisted rhetoric.
“We heard that the wolf was actually an Israeli soldier in disguise,” said a retired Hamas activist, Omar Falafel Al-Khabab. “He got dressed as a wolf so that people would not suspect that a Zionist killed a Palestinian girl in cold blood.”
After receiving the news of her daughter’s horrific death, the mother of the girl said: “Allah HuAkbar! My daughter is a Shahida!”
Following reports of the story, protests broke out across the Muslim world calling for a genocide of wolves. Demonstraters shouted “By Allah, wolves, your 9/11 is coming!” and “Your fangs do not scare us, we will growl at you, infidel wolves!”

A note I posted all in Quebecois, with the accent and the curses all in phonetic:

Osti, que mes voisins sont tannants. Le weekend passé y arretaient po de s’botter l’derriere toute la nuit, pis ce weekend y’arretaient po d’chialer. Y s’tapper dsu avec des chaises. Des chaises, mon osti! La p’tite guidoune d’voisine a crissé une bonne a son chum, pis est sorti dans’es escaliers a brailler toute la nuit. Les murs de mon apparte sont a chier, fait q’chu rester dans mon lite a ecouter leurs Jerry Springer personel.
J’m’en caulisse po mal que ma tévé est morte, pis qu’j’ai po l’internet, pis qu’y fait frette en maudit, pis qu’y’o plein d’tarantules gros d’meme chez nous, tsé? Mais quand j’peux po m’endormir, ben lo j’ai la chienne en tabarnac.
Ces osti d’voisins, j’en est plein l’cul de leurs vidanges verbales, pis d’leurs ciriboir d’musique Russe, fait qu’aussitot que mon contrat s’termine, j’décriss le camp d’icit.

Peace, love and Are you happy about finishing this survey? Palpitatingly.