I Want Boredom

I thought that once November ended, I’d have some time to remember what being bored feels like. I honestly forgot what it feels like because November was non-stop action from my daughter’s birthday, to the endless baking challenges I’ve embarked on, to ZineWriMo, to courses and preparation classes for the 1st grade, birthday parties, Hanukkah… The highlight of my days was when I was lucky enough to have time to take a shower.

It’s like a repeat of August when I thought I would hit a brick wall of uselessness and boredom and totally didn’t and I was still as busy as hell. I don’t know if making a to do list would help me remember all the shit I have to do and it just keeps piling up – doctors’ appointments, my daughter’s courses and Grade 1 preps, trips to the library, open days at schools, loads of laundry (I keep forgetting about because there are fuck of a lot more during winter than during summer and I still didn’t get into the habit), organizing of closets (which always takes me for fucking ever), and all the usual daily chores which I try to cut short due to lack of time – cooking (just make a grilled-cheese sandwich or whatever), dishes (just wash the one mug I like), shower (no washing of hair, ever), laundry (aw shit, I forgot again!).

By the end of the day, my heart claims a marathon pulse, my brain feels like it’s about to explode, and my level of energy falls with such a resounding crash that it’s buried underground with no chance of revival.

Last night, after my daughter went to sleep and I was done with everything for the day, I collapsed on the couch and told my husband “I don’t want to think anymore. Pass me the remote.”

“Seriously,” he replied. “You should go on YouTube and watch Beavis and Butthead.”

Yep, something as stupid and mind-numbing and no-thought-process-required TV show as Beavis and Butthead was definitely enticing for my exploded brain, but even the YouTube search sounded like too much work for me.

This morning, I mentally went over all the things I have to do so that I don’t forget anything, and I ended up forgetting to take my sandwich to work. I am now at the office, fucking starving. I think I may have left that sandwich on the table and it may have very well evaporated into nothing because my dog made it disappear. Most of the things on my mental to-do list were food-related, and I forget my lunch at home. Why does that shit happen?

Then there’s the issues that are so not important but are always so time-consuming. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been getting calls from insurance agents needing me to sign this and sign that and talk my ears off about stuff that is veritable gibberish to me and stuff that the amount of fucks that I give about are in the minus range. Yesterday, it finally pissed me off and I screamed at the guy on the phone.

“I don’t understand any of this! And I don’t fucking care either! I don’t want to talk anymore. I’m done talking. Stop calling me!” I hung up while he was in mid-sentence. Then, get this, he writes me via Whatsapp asking me to give him my husband’s phone number.

I didn’t even acknowledge his message. I thought to myself “Right, sure, so you can talk his ears off too. Is that your plan? I got a better one for you. Go fuck yourself.”

I got more important things to do. And since my shift is over, I shall now go home and see if that sandwich still exists so that I may make like my dog and make it disappear.

Peace, love and boredom? What’s that?

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