Looking Forward and Seeing It

Since the last time I wrote here, I got my metal plates out my elbow and the corner ghost (medically known as cataract) out of my right eye. The eye surgery took place just yesterday, but I’m feeling just fine. My distance vision has significantly improved. I can actually make out things from a distance that I couldn’t see at all before that. I’ve also noticed how much sharper the colors are around me. Blacks are much deeper, whites are much brighter, and everything in between is like Technicolor.

Of course, there are things I wish I didn’t have to see. Like, now I understand why my dog’s fur on the floor bothers my boyfriend so much. There really IS a lot of it. But my dog herself even looks more beautiful now with her deeper blacks and brighter whites and gorgeous pale blue eyes. Even I look different. Just this morning, I saw just how much white hair I have, how much darker my skin looks, and how much hair I have on my legs.

I think the best thing is seeing reality for the first time in a long time. With the corner ghost, not being able to see things that are there was bad enough. But what was worse was seeing things that are not there. My corner ghost had the annoying habit of shifting along with the many squiggly lines on my cornea and trick me into thinking I saw a movement on the corner of my eye and I’d jump out of my skin thinking it’s a roach or a spider. So now I know that if there’s a movement on the corner of my eye, I would be right to jump out of my skin and scream bloody murder.

There still are things I wish I could see more clearly. The doctor told me I will need reading glasses once I get the surgery done, so since I don’t have any for now, I can’t read any books. More importantly, I can’t read any Stephen King. And at the moment, even more importantly, I can’t finish the book I started a couple of weeks ago – Needful Things. The suspense is killing me and I can’t read it. The left eye doesn’t help much, because the corner ghost is haunting that side as well. I probably won’t exorcise the motherfucker until I come back from my trip to Germany.

Oh yeah! My trip to Germany! I’m leaving on July 29, spending about four days at Wacken, headbanging myself to metalhead oblivion, then going to Berlin on August 3 and back to Israel on August 7. We have everything set up, the plane tickets, the hotel reservations, the car, the train, the festival tickets. I’m so psyched about it, I can’t even see straight. So much for the cataract! Haha!

Besides that, I’m planning a bunch of things – write letters to my penpals, write a new zine, design a few ads for different things, get a new tattoo, make a bracelet out of the metal plate extracted from my arm – but they’re just plans and I need to make time for them and as long as I don’t get all the medical stuff sorted out, none of these will happen. I’m so sick of it already. I spend more time in the hospital and in clinics than I do at work or at home. I feel utterly lazy, except for when I’m practicing the art of wallowing in my own self pity. I keep daydreaming about the day where my elbow is fully functional, where my eyes are healed, where I get my reading glasses and where normalcy resumes. I’m expecting this to happen sometime around autumn of this year, unless something else befalls me until then. All I have left is hope for the best.

Peace, love and two down one to go

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