Germany, Here I Ain’t

I’ve been holding off on talking about it because I don’t like to talk about plans that may or may not happen. But now that I know for sure that it won’t happen, here it is.

I applied for this scholarship program that takes Israeli and Palestinian journalists to Germany to learn German and work in the field for six months. It seemed like a great idea, except for the fact that six months is a longass time to be away from everything I know and everyone I love. But I applied for it anyway because I was looking for a challenge, and also because I didn’t know then what I know now.

Back then, my eyes were still seeing somewhat clearly, and my elbow surgery had not yet been postponed for three times in a row. But now, things have changed and require immediate action, and I can’t be limited by these six months I would have been out of the country.

My elbow is still stuck with this goddamn plate that looks like it will never come out. I am trying to do everything in my power to get a date for a surgery and to not have it postponed yet again. Now that I am not going to be out of the country for six months, I feel much more flexible in that respect.

Also, my cataract is getting worse every time I open my eyes. My right eye is virtually blind. The other day I tested it in front of a computer screen. I closed my left eye and the screen went completely white as if the email that was there a fraction of a second ago just disappeared. The left eye itself, although better than the right, is still showing the early signs of cataract. If I wait any longer to have the surgeries on both eyes, I will be walking into walls in no time. So again, I’m relieved to have the free time to maneuver with my dates and not be limited by the six-month scholarship.

My health issues aside, I am SO relieved I will not have to miss my boyfriend and his big bear arms, my parents and their food and their phone-calls twice a day, my dog and her wet kisses, my house and its coziness, my job and its comfortable predictability, my family and their loud Moroccan craziness, as well as the country I love, and my soul which I am always forced to leave behind whenever I leave its borders. I’m still somewhat upset at not having the chance to take on this challenge, but I think it’s for the best.

Alright. Back to the order of the day.

I am planning ahead, but this time it’s plans that will definitely happen unless something absolutely tragic happens, Goddess forbid. So I can talk about these plans now. I already have a list of things to look forward to and to buy for the next few months. Seeing as I have yet to set dates for the Wacken trip (see more on that below) as well as the cataract and elbow surgeries, this list will only grow longer:

May 13: XScape by Michael Jackson
June 3: Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King
June 9: War Eternal by Arch Enemy
November 11: Revival by Stephen King

Wacken is coming up this summer, so I will still find myself in Germany, but it will be for about a week or two. I keep checking the Wacken website to see if they finally posted the festival schedule – who will be playing where and when, and if there are any overlaps with the shows that I want to see. I am also super excited to go visit Berlin at some point in that trip and hopefully meet some of my friends there. I was a bit worried on how any of this will play out if I were to be accepted to the program as I will be taking intensive German courses at that time. But nope, not anymore!

I am still studying some introductory German online on Duolingo, and maybe later on, I’ll consider some further courses at the Goethe Institute or something. But that won’t be before I get all my health issues sorted out and until I am absolutely sure I am ready for a challenge.

The Mother Goddess knows best when it comes to such things and if She felt I wasn’t ready for it, then She was probably right. I just pray that She’ll see me through my surgeries, that they’ll come at the right time, that they’ll be successful, and that I’ll fully recover quickly and easily.

Peace, love and more things to look forward to.


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