Today, my boyfriend and I are celebrating our third anniversary. When I think about it in relation to the three years I’ve been celibate prior to this relationship, I think it’s safe to say that the scales are finally balanced.
In the first few days of this relationship, I was confused, unsure, and not to mention scared shitless. It was the first time I got into anything serious after making peace with my body, learning to love my essence and considering myself an independent individual. My psychological recovery was the most important aspect of my life and the only thing I struggled with was attempting to balance that with being in love.
Before that happened, being in love with myself while being in love with a significant other was impossible for me and made no sense either. Whenever I was in a relationship, I simply ceased to exist. My being collapsed into a black hole and my entire universe was the object of my affection and nothing else. So when I finally managed to claim myself, falling in love became a challenge. When I started dating my boyfriend, I started asking myself “Is this what true love feels like when the ‘I’ actually takes a big part in ‘us’? When the ‘I’ actually exists?”
The answer came shortly thereafter. “Yes, this is the way it’s gotta be. You can’t have an ‘us’ without an ‘I’. What you experienced before wasn’t true love, it was blind love and self-obliteration, total devastation, and all-encompassing sacrifice.”
I am now at the point in my life that I have wished for ever since I graduated from university nine years ago. I always said “I wish I could just fast-forward to the part in my life where I have a pretty little apartment, a good job, money in my bank account, an amazing lover and a beautiful dog.”
Today, I have all of the above and more. I have never been happier.
Peace, love and oooh love, oooh loverboy.