Before there was WordPress in my life, there was Facebook Notes.
Most of my FB notes are surveys I used to fill out when I was bored at work. That was back when I worked for Monster Embezzler Boss Extraordinaire.
I decided to compile some of the best answers I had (something I had already done in one of my previous issues of Purple Myrtle Squeegy) and stick them here.
Birthday: 15 Tishrei, Ha’Tashmag
Present Address: about a km away from the Holy of Holies
Male or female? Proud bleeder.
Spell your name without vowels:
Torture the patriarchy into eternal oblivion with the help of my typewriter and my pen.
Do you believe in Heaven?
Yes, but I don’t believe in Hell. Jews have it good 🙂
Do you believe in Santa Claus?
I’m not Christian and I’m not four.
Do you believe in miracles?
In Jerusalem, it’s kinda hard not to believe in that.
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
No. But all the accessories I wear are priceless.
35. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
Do you have Alzheimer’s?
Myspace or facebook?
MySpace, though I spend more time on Assfacebook.
Complete the following: If I were the opposite sex…
I’d be a half the person I am now.
Rephrase that question with the plural, and I’ll consider answering it.
I’ve come to realize that parties…
are not parties if they don’t involve something illegal.
Have you ever been IN a wedding?
IN? Like, did I ever get married? No. But I have been to other people’s heterosexual suicide pacts. Sure.
82. What’s the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
Put it on vibrate, stuck it up my ass and called it from my home phone.
86. When was the last time you lied?
When I answered question number 82.
If you were a doll, what 4 accessories would be packaged with you?
1. A pink gun
2. A typewriter
3. A chocolate bar
4. A tattoo gun or a piercing needle
If you had to make an ad or commercial for yourself, what would it be?
Like, as in selling myself? “This is Badass. She hates capitalism and is ironically appearing in an ad to sell herself. Get your own Badass today. BADASS: Experience the ambivalence! Bloody cloth pads sold separately.”
What rumor wouldn’t you mind having spread about you?
That I like chocolate more than men, and that MJ is the only exception to that rule.
Someone knocks on your window at 2 AM, who do you want it to be?
The grim reaper.
Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Half full with puke
What was your favorite vacation?
Slumberville in Dreamland. So amazing!
Do you chew pens and pencils?
No. For me, it would be like chewing my typewriter. Don’t bite the hand that feeds, and writing material feeds me like no other food can.
What books are you reading?
UNDER THE MOTHERFUCKING DOME. Stephen King is cooler than you.
If you were the “poster child” for something (negative or positive) it could be:
Lestat Returns – and He Had a Sex Change
*face-melting growls from the ninth circle of hell*
Are you talkative?
I like being quiet and pensive… or rather quiet and mysterious…. or quiet and boring. Depends how the interlocutor sees me.
What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Depends if the swallow is on E or not.
Do you wash your hair in the shower?
No, I wash my hair in the toilet.
Have you had a sore throat?
No, never. I’ve also never sneezed, coughed, blew my nose, burped or farted. Christ!
Would you go sky diving?
If I had the external ovaries, hell yeah!
How do you feel about Dr. Pepper?
All doctors piss me off.
Two words that explain why you last threw up?
Is tomorrow someone’s birthday?
I bet it is, but I don’t know who it is.
When was the last time you flew in a plane?
You mean as opposed to the last time I flew on the wings of a dragon? In April to Canada.
Last time I flew on a plane was May 2008. Last time I flew on a broomstick was last night.
Who were you with last night?
If not yourself, who would you be?
Make up a story/fairy tale/article.
WEST BANK, Feb. 31, 2006 – Police are investigating a rather odd incident that took place earlier today in a forest near Ramallah. A Palestinian girl wearing a red Hijab was devoured by a wolf on her way to her grandmother’s house. In a striking resemblance to the fairy tale “Little Red Riding Hood,” the girl was carrying a basket with food her mother packed for her.
“Allah sent the wolf to kill the girl because she was not accompanied by a male as prescribed by the Koran,” said the Ramallah spiritual leader Sheik Aziz Al-Habibi Al-Islami. “Muslim women have to abide by every law of the Koran, so that Muslim men may fulfill their duty to oppress and dominate their women.”
Some local residents adopted a more twisted rhetoric.
“We heard that the wolf was actually an Israeli soldier in disguise,” said a retired Hamas activist, Omar Falafel Al-Khabab. “He got dressed as a wolf so that people would not suspect that a Zionist killed a Palestinian girl in cold blood.”
After receiving the news of her daughter’s horrific death, the mother of the girl said: “Allah HuAkbar! My daughter is a Shahida!”
Following reports of the story, protests broke out across the Muslim world calling for a genocide of wolves. Demonstraters shouted “By Allah, wolves, your 9/11 is coming!” and “Your fangs do not scare us, we will growl at you, infidel wolves!”
A note I posted all in Quebecois, with the accent and the curses all in phonetic:
Osti, que mes voisins sont tannants. Le weekend passé y arretaient po de s’botter l’derriere toute la nuit, pis ce weekend y’arretaient po d’chialer. Y s’tapper dsu avec des chaises. Des chaises, mon osti! La p’tite guidoune d’voisine a crissé une bonne a son chum, pis est sorti dans’es escaliers a brailler toute la nuit. Les murs de mon apparte sont a chier, fait q’chu rester dans mon lite a ecouter leurs Jerry Springer personel.
J’m’en caulisse po mal que ma tévé est morte, pis qu’j’ai po l’internet, pis qu’y fait frette en maudit, pis qu’y’o plein d’tarantules gros d’meme chez nous, tsé? Mais quand j’peux po m’endormir, ben lo j’ai la chienne en tabarnac.
Ces osti d’voisins, j’en est plein l’cul de leurs vidanges verbales, pis d’leurs ciriboir d’musique Russe, fait qu’aussitot que mon contrat s’termine, j’décriss le camp d’icit.
Peace, love and Are you happy about finishing this survey? Palpitatingly.