Blackbeard for PM

Election time is coming up in Israel and I have yet to figure out which douchebag I should vote for. Though one thing is for sure, and here it is…

Yesterday, I was sick as hell and it’s a good thing I finished work early and headed home when it was still light out. I had my earphones in, blasting some Ozzy, and thinking about getting to the nearest bathroom as soon as possible because I drowned myself in fluids the entire morning. I heard someone calling out my name on the street, but since I moved to Israel, I got used to hearing my name a lot. Hadass is a common name in Israel. It’s not like when I lived in Montreal and if I heard my name on the street, chances are the call was directed at me. So I kept on walking, ignoring the call. And then someone tapped my shoulder.

“Hey,” said a guy with a bike helmet on. I couldn’t tell who it was until he took it off. And when he did, I regretted ever stopping in the first place. It was my (stoned, alcoholic, sexually abusive, ADHD-inflicted, sorry ass excuse for a human being) former roommate. I bump into him more often than I’d like to, and yesterday, with my burning throat and bladder pressure, he was the last person I wanted to see.

“Oh hey,” I said with distinct disappointment.

“What’s up?”

What’s up is you should get back on that bike and ride the fuck off, I thought. “Nothing. You?” I asked with no real interest.

“Good,” he said. “Hey listen, I’m running in the elections!”

Well, of course you are. You are douchebag extraordinaire! I thought, but instead said “Oh.”

“Vote for us,” he continued. “The party is called ‘The Pirates.'”

“The Pirates?” I said with a raised eyebrow and a sarcastic tone rather than a questioning one.

“Yes, vote for us. It’s important.”

Right… it’s important. I’ll remember that name when I head for the ballots and pick out a Prime Minister by elimination. The Pirates would probably be the first to be crossed off. So what are they gonna do exactly? Look for treasure? Make everyone wear eye-patches? Make “Talk Like a Pirate Day” a national holiday?

Sure, very important indeed. Forget fighting the rocket showers, or improving the economy, reducing unemployment, fighting crime, dealing with the Iranian nuclear threat… that’s nowhere nearly as important as redesigning the flag with a skull and crossbones, arrrgh!

Actually, I don’t know what their policies are, but with a name like “The Pirates,” which is a name commonly used to describe a group of thieving, scheming criminals, I feel kinda reluctant to have those run my country.

And considering the head of that party, a turd sandwich seems like a more sensible choice.

“Right, I’ll try to remember that,” I said, trying to hide my sarcastic tone with great difficulty.

But I guess that’s the price of democracy – you get a wide range of idiots to choose from, and an even wider range of idiots voting for them.

Peace, love and as the song in South Park goes:

“Let’s go out and vote,
Let’s make our voices heard.
We’ve been given the right to choose
Between a douche and a turd.
It’s democracy in action,
Put your freedom to the test.
A big fat turd or a stupid douche,
Which do you like best.”


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