A Craptastic Day in the Life of Badass

Badass got up on Tuesday morning bright and early at 6:30. The night before, she went to sleep no later than 22:30, so she was not tired that morning as she usually is.

After breakfast, she headed on out to Nachlaot to walk the dog, Joey, and babysit Odeh. After bringing Odeh back from the park, his mother gave Badass the news that she is looking for a Pre-K for the not-yet-two-year-old kid – a tidbit which was rather upsetting for Badass who had developed an affection for the little squirt. Pre-K means that Odeh will no longer need a babysitter, starting September.

From Nachlaot, Badass moved on to the next order of the day: buying a ton of food, stocking up for the 24-Hour Zine Thing which she is planning to do this weekend. First, she bought fruits and vegetables at the market because the grocery store produce is horrible, and the produce at the market is much better. The tomatoes are red as they should be, the bananas are yellow, instead of green with black spots on them, and the potatoes don’t have green moles growing on them.

Then she headed on to the grocery store to buy some ready-made food, stuff to hold her stomach and to keep her alert while producing the zine for a consecutive 24 hours – frozen pizza, granola bars, yellow cheese, cream cheese, yogurt, bread, rice cakes, chips, Bamba, veggie chicken nuggets, a cake, tuna, eggs, tomato paste and some oregano which she was running out of. Carrying the heavy load back home she wondered if she would actually be able to stomach all that food, not to mention the load she bought at the market – plums, nectarines, a bucket of cherries, dried peaches, raisins, dates, avocados, tomatoes, potatoes, sweet potatoes, cucumbers, onions and bell peppers. Even now, she is still considering buying grapes and a couple of bananas.

When she finally got home after that preposterous groceries spree, she had just enough time to make a sandwich, freshen up and head to the office.

Things at the office went by rather smoothly, until the end of the shift when the ultimate crappy part of the day stormed through the door.

As she works the evening shift, Badass is responsible for closing off the reception area before leaving the office. The reception door is an accordion glass door with a few panels that need to be unfolded and locked. As she pulled the first panel, the door quite literally exploded in her hands, shattered and spread across the floor.

With the loud bang it made, she screamed and ran the other way before noticing that some of the shards had gotten into her sandals and were scraping the soles of her feet pretty badly. For the split second in which it happened, she actually thought it was a vivid dream or something she imagined, and that soon enough, she’ll either wake up or snap out of it and realize she screamed for no apparent reason. Considering the horror book she’s been reading and the horror movies she’s been watching, Badass is used to having bad dreams and imagining horrible things. She also experiences moments where the line between reality and fiction disappears altogether.

But this was no fiction. She had shards of broken glass all over her hair, arms, legs and clothes. Blood was trickling from the small cuts on her right hand. 

In her utter state of shock, she was dimly aware of one of the doors of another office opening, followed by the sounds of panicking footsteps hurrying towards her. One of the clients had heard the bang and the scream (in fact, the entire office had heard it), and came to see what happened.

“What was that?” He asked, and as he saw the bewildered secretary bleeding and standing on a pile of broken glass, he added “Oh God! Are you ok?”

Was she ok? She couldn’t tell. In a state of shock, you often don’t realize if you’ve been badly injured. She frantically checked her head and her face for any major injury and could barely believe she found none. Clearly, if the door had fallen on her head, she would most likely have her skull fractured or suffer a concussion, in which case, she would be lying on the floor, either semi-conscious, unconscious or very much dead.

The client proceeded to calling an ambulance to check up on Badass and make sure she is not injured in any way she is not yet aware of. Then he called up the boss to let him know what happened. Then he snapped some pictures of the broken door for insurance purposes. Other clients showed up inquiring about the bang, and many even offered to help. Some sweeped up the shards and put them in a cardboard box. Others gave Badass a glass of water (Oh, no! More glass! she thought with a sigh). Others gave her wet tissues to soak the blood and dust herself off from the small fragments of glass which lingered on her skin and feet.

When the paramedics came, they disinfected the small scratches on her arms, and gave her a band-aid for one of the slightly bigger one. They asked her several times if she would like to be taken to the hospital for any reason. She said no, since she wasn’t dying and she had already gotten a Tenatus shot a few months ago after cutting herself pretty badly with a pair of scissors.

The boss showed up a few minutes later, and offered to call up a cab to take Badass home instead of bothering with yet another bus. He also gave her 100 NIS for the cab fare.

On her way home, Badass quietly went over what had happened. First, she was amazed she got away with no more than a few minor scratches, and that it was nothing short of a miracle that she wasn’t hurt in a serious way. Second, she was grateful that the clients were so nice to her. Third, she was also grateful for the boss to have come over to check up on her, and even offering her a cab and money for it.

My previous boss would have NEVER done anything quite like it, she thought. This one time at my previous job, I had a high fever and my eyes were popping out of my skull when I finally decided to go home, and my boss gave me shit about it. So giving me money and calling me a cab? Yeah fucking right!

Finally, she thought that with all she suffered at her previous job, this incident was a minor, almost insignificant setback. She remembered that back at her other job, she was sifting through a stack of papers, when suddenly, a huge brown cockroach crawled out and walked on her hand. It was only after completely losing her mind that her boss at the time finally got his heavy ass up to call an exterminator.

I would pick ten huge piles of shattered glass over having a cockroach walk on my hand any day! she thought. 

Keeping with the day’s broken glass theme, Badass put a light dinner in the microwave, when another bang announced that the glass plate she put it on broke as well.

She was surprisingly nonchalant about it (hey, after breaking a thick glass door, you would be, too), and went about the rest of her evening.

Despite the fact that she was tired as hell (hey again, after breaking a thick glass door, you would be, too), she had a benefit concert to attend that evening at the Jerusalem Theater – an acoustic show by an Israeli artist she liked for a long time, Aviv Geffen.

The concert was organized as a fundraiser for the Jerusalem Rape Crisis Center, and as a volunteer, she got a ticket for half price. She knew that Aviv Geffen was a self-proclaimed feminist, but the fact that he played a benefit show for the JRCC made his proclamation a lot more solid, and Badass had nothing but the utmost respect for that. This show proved to be the fantastic part of her day.

The auditorium was pretty well filled, and the seats Badass got were high up on the balcony, with perfect visibility.

The show started at 21:30 and lasted for an hour and a half – pretty long for an acoustic show, but that may have been due to the couple of interruptions that came up. There was some sort of alarm, as if someone opened an emergency exit door or sparked a cigarette. Both times, Aviv had to stop the show to let the theater producers disable the alarm before he could continue.

He sang some of his older popular songs, Ahavnu, Ha’im Lehiyot Bach Me’ohav, Emesh, Mal’ach, Hashir Shelanu, Milliard To’im, Or Hayare’ach, and Mexico, among other more recent ones. He also invited onstage Shlomi Shaban and sang a couple of his songs with him. This Shaban guy proved to be extremely talented, and a brilliant keyboard player.

During the encore, Aviv played an incredible acoustic version of Sof Haolam, featuring some reverb effects on the final screams. It was such a powerful performance that for the second time that day, Badass felt the line between reality and fiction blurring. Only this time, it was a positively-induced blur.

Badass’s long day ended at midnight. As she got home, she made like the glass door and crashed.

Peace, love and writing in the third person shreds.


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