Of Blood and Ink

This weekend was rather interesting as I managed to get absolutely no writing done but kept thinking and talking about it. Come to think of it, I’ve been doing that for quite a while.

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with not having the time to write, or being lazy. I think unconsiously I’m totally avoiding it. Especially when the written project is my book. It’s so emotionally draining, I feel totally liquid-less by the end of it – blood-less, water-less, tear-less, piss-less. That’s aside from emotionless. DRAINED of everything. Like somebody used me as a sponja rag, and then squeezed the living Christ out of me and hung me out to dry.

If I plan on getting any writing done for my book, I need to ignore everything else going on in my life – my parents, my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my roommates, my job, housechores, even bills, food and shower – and just hibernate with my comp, sharpen my nails, dig them into my ribcage, rip it open and let it bleed. If I let other distractions get in the way, I’ll find any excuse to keep myself emotionally-active. Not that my writing has no emotion to it, but that it has so much that I have none left for anything else. It’s like the effect that E has on the level of endorphines in the brain. When you’re on it, it releases all of them, and you feel fucking awesome. But then you come down and you’re left with no endorphines at all, and you feel like the worse shit ever.

So writing basically lets me bleed and leaves me for dead. Then I become a zombie for a while, until I manage to regenerate my blood, and I’m streaming with balanced emotions once again.

This weekend, then, instead of writing, I had a small movie marathon with my boyfriend, then spent the night at his place, then went back home and had a nice long nap, then I went with him to a concert of Mercedes Band, which I left smelling like an ashtray with a painful ringing drone in my ears, watery eyes and a sore throat, but totally ready for a good night schlaffen, which I did when I got home. It was fun, not emotionally-draining, but definitely involved some hardcore writing-avoidance on my part.

I need to get my shit together. So this blog will have to do for now.

Peace, love, and scribble-scribble, click-click, snap-snap, ding!


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