Wow, ok I haven’t written here in so long. Mostly because instead of writing about my life, I actually decided to go and live it. Smartest choice I ever made was moving to Israel because here, feelings are all out in the open with all their beauty and ugliness. Even if I don’t work full time, I’m still functioning full time, and for once in my life I can find myself in times of extreme happiness – happiness overload, as I call it.
Not that I haven’t had my bouts of depression here and there. Actually, because of those happiness overloads, the downside is that when I get depressed, I get REALLY depressed. Towards the end of last year, I dated this guy (I’ll call him D) for two months and had some of the most beautiful time in my life. Despite the short-lived relationship, it was the deepest and most intense one, and I experienced feelings that I didn’t even know existed – feelings that cannot be put into words, feelings that are by their very nature extreme as well as conflicting and confusing.
This is because D would do things and say things that would make me melt with satisfaction, love, trust, joy, but with overwhelming fear as well. So basically, when I was in his arms, I’ve never felt safer, but I’ve also never felt more afraid in my life – simply the fear of losing this cover of safety. D had some issues of his own, so I found myself going out of my way to make him happy, because it seemed that whatever I did had negative reprecussions and somehow made him feel insecure and offended at times.
After he broke up with me, I watched my world fall apart for the second time. The first time was in 2004 when my other boyfriend broke up with me. After having managed to rebuild myself with the help of feminism, riot grrrl music, writing and moving to Israel, D comes into my life and destroys me all over again. So I became such a mess that I went into therapy fearing that the next time I put a knife to my wrist, I might actually pull it.
Today, I am still in therapy and am doing much better, and am now resuming my happiness overloads, minus the fear of abandonment and loss. I am also healing with the help of feminism and riot grrrl as usual but this time I am attempting to avoid building a wall around myself as I have done in the past.
This wall provided me with much-needed protection, but it also kept me from expressing any emotions and rejected anyone who so much as looked my way. Now that this wall is broken, I just might be able to heal without closing myself off, and actually manage to express whatever feelings I have, without fearing the pain that may come along with it.
Aside from that, I’ve discovered many things about myself and my life that I haven’t thought of before. Basically, these are things that I knew in the back of my mind but never thought of them in the way that I do now. My therapist makes me look at these experiences and see them for what they really are. Moving to Israel, for example, was something I saw as good, but I never saw it as a strength, as something I managed to do all on my own, while severing the dependent relationship I had with my parents. I also recently acknowleged the fact that I was raped, but I prefer not going into that. It was a very tough realization and I’m still trying to come to grips with it.
My psychological state scares me to the core. Although there are wonderful things I’m discovering about myself, it all comes with an enormous amount of pain. All these feelings are emerging like decomposed corpses on polluted shores, and need to be cleaned off and revived.
But I think I’m getting there… wherever "there" is.
Peace, love and "We Will Rise" from the dead.