My flight to Israel was officially confirmed last week. July 19, I’m outta here.
I can hardly believe it. I’ve lived here for 15 years and now it’s all over. What’s even harder for me to believe is that besides my dog and my parents, I don’t think I’ll miss anything or anybody else. Not that it was all bad, because I definitely have some awesome memories, but that’s all it is. Memories. Now it’s all empty and meaningless. After 15 years, I still feel like an outsider, like a complete stranger, like I never belonged here in the first place.
I can’t compare any of it to Israel because I bet that this "outsider" feeling won’t disappear the minute I land. But it’s different still. People in Israel are real, blunt, in your face type people. Painfully honest. And I can definitely relate to that. I can also relate to the weather in Israel. FUCK THIS SHITTY CANADIAN WEATHER! I am so fucking happy I’ll never have to suffer through another ice storm, snow storm, a month-long rainy, gray, shitty, coldass period. What’s with the rain dammit? I swear on my ex-bf sweetass cock, what is the fucking matter with this cloudy bullshit? It’s been two weeks and the skies are still crying bloody murder.
In Israel, the only way I’ll get soaked is with my own sweat. No rain, no snow, no steaming pile of bullshit, and no potholes!
Speaking of pot… A few days ago my friend asked me if I wouldn’t wanna get laid before I leave Canada (as if there is a shortage of ass in Israel). I said I would have preferred to get busy with a chick, but anyways… The one thing I do wanna do (and will) is get stoned. Pot in Israel is expensive as hell. Depending on the strain, a gram can cost from 100 to 120 shekels (equivalent to over 30 bucks). So the illegal drug of choice in Israel is Hash which tastes like it sounds (ass).
So that same friend that offered me some ass, is now giving me a phallic bong instead. And considering the fact that toking makes me come, it’s not by a long shot that I can safely say I got laid before going to Israel.
On a related note, here is how weed can save the world:
If Ahmadinejad got stoned, he wouldn’t be so angry all the time. He would say: "Who needs nuclear weapons? Building one is so complicated anyways. And why make such a big deal about the Zionist state? It’s a little piece of land no bigger than Vancouver island. The Palestinians should really kick back and smoke some ganja."
Lord knows if weed was part of the mainstream economy, it could work wonders. And considering it makes people more open and social, maybe Darfur wouldn’t be in such deep shit. The only thing that people would fight about is who will be the first to save these people. And Harper would not be so anally conservative, and neither would Bush. They would say "Gay people wanna get married? Approved! Let’s get in drag and party on with them!"
But because governments are so anal and so fucking sober, the marriage institution is considered sacred, as opposed to the reality of it. Marriage is a joke, it’s an out and out lie. Spouses cheat all the motherfucking time, they get divorced more often than not, and the only kind of purity that the white dress is representing is pure bullshit. There is absolutely nothing sacred about it.
And because Ahmadinejad has never heard of Gillette Fusion or of how he’s just as full of shit as the government he is condemning (the U.S.), he decided to try and pass a dress code that says that all Jews living in Iran must wear a yellow swatch and all Christians must wear a red one.
It amazed me how nobody’s heard of that and how the only newspaper that covered it so far was the National Post.
Can you smell that? You know what that is? It’s the smell of six million dead Jews coming back to haunt your sorry asses. Can you hear that? It’s the voices of six million Jewish victims of the Holocaust screaming bloody murder.
And this is another one of the million and one reasons of why I’m moving to Israel. As hazardous as that place can be, at least I know that I can wear a bigass Star of David not as a symbol of shame but of pride. And all Jews know that diplomacy doesn’t work. Everyone is out to get us, and everyone hates out guts whether they say it to our face or behind our backs. Israel is the only place in the world where I don’t need to pull my hair forward to cover my Magen David earrings. It’s the only place where I can speak Hebrew with anyone as loud as I want without getting nasty looks.
Pride is the worse of the seven deadly sins. And I am so fucking proud! Bring on the spiky wheel!
Peace, love and here’s a joint to chill out, and here’s gift certificate for a spa treatment to clean your nasty ass and an enema to suck all the shit out of you, Iranian president.